The Saucy Tale of Meta Knight's Cooking
by Pizzadone
Summary: Meta Knight's cooking is... well, bad. One evening, when Sword and Blade are discussing that fact behind his back, Meta Knight plots revenge against their stomachs. Based on Episode 82 of the English anime, Cooking Up Trouble. Now has a 20% more swaggy version! Oneshot. Rated for minor vulgar parts in the swaggy version.
1. A Spicy Story

**Everyone is doing dares with the Kirby characters.** But **people are doing it all wrong** in my opinion. If you're going to dare them as characters, then leave them as characters! **Don't change their personalities to yours.** Can you ever imagine a situation where the real Meta Knight would say, "Oh noes?"

Neither can I. So, **here's my own version of how things _should_ play out for dares**. This dare would be, "Meta Knight, admit that your name is Mr. Noodle Arms and make us all tacos." Obviously, he wouldn't normally want to do this kind of thing, but as you'll see today is a special occasion; for Sword and Blade...

Sword is a female in my version. I always thought it made more sense than Blade being female.

Originally I was going to do other dares like this but I figured it would be better if I just left it as it was. Sorry, SKP Fan, but I'm not doing your dare. It went through too many rewrites. However, send me a review if you've seen this and I'll send you the unfinished copy of the dare.

**Without Further Ado:**

**The Saucy Tale of Meta Knight's Cooking**

* * *

Nothing had actually prompted the event, at least in the knight's mind. He was busy making plans for his battleship, the Halberd. He was proud to say that it was nearly complete. He only needed to finish some of the rooms. At the moment he was deciding exactly how to finish the galley. A long trip required good enough space food, something the knight had no idea how to create or purchase, except through the internet. That meant somehow convincing Customer service to send it, which would never happen, or convincing Dedede to get it for him. He would have to practically beg, borrow or steal from the fat king if he wanted any favors.

As he walked down the halls, his eyes a contented green, he heard a cheer from the Ebrum family. He grinned, it was good that they were enjoying their peaceful lifestyle. It would shatter soon enough. Even Kirby could be heard squealing with delight, and judging from his cries, Meta Knight could tell they were having dinner. Kirby was literally screaming the word "Tasty!" at the top of his little lungs.

"There's plenty more in the pot!" Came the jovial response of Sir Ebrum, the chef in question.

The next sound, however, stopped the knight cold. His knaves were apparently watching as well, but judging from the sound of their voice, they hadn't exactly been invited to the meal. While the Ebrum family sounded a few stories lower than the knight's current vantage point, his knaves were perched on the balcony on his level.

"Blade..."

"Ay?"

"Smells delicious, don't it? Course anything'd smell good compared to Meta Knight's cooking."

"Sword, ay'm a swor ay," came Blade's completely unintelligible reply. However, Sword seemed to understand and responded with a nod.

"You can say that again."

Meta Knight emerged from behind the corner. He looked at his knaves, who were _snickering_ as they watched the Ebrum's supper. He barely suppressed his outrage. The knight had heard the entire exchange but was curious as to how they would react if they knew he had overheard

At least the look on their faces would be amusing. Their poorly concealed nervousness would serve as punishment for now until the knight had thought of something better.

"Say what... again?" The knight said, with a pause between his words, making sure to give the two knaves plenty of time to realize their mistake before they had to turn around and accept defeat. He made sure that his thinly-veiled curiosity pierced them like daggers, warning them that there would be some punishment in order. He would not stand to hear complaints about the nice things he tried to do for them. But he didn't want to overkill the moment, better to let them savor this taste; as though it were last night's lasagna.

And in all serious, his food tasted good to him. But maybe that was because he was so used to canned food or no food at all, depending on whatever the situation had called for during the war.

"Ay!" Blade said, barely containing himself as he turned. His armor made a faint clattering noise and Sword was utterly silent for a few seconds. She thanked the fact that her helmet hid her head, and also her silent gasp of horror. There would be h-e-double hockey-sticks to pay tomorrow, to be sure, unless the two successfully convinced Meta Knight that they were innocent. She tried her best to speak normally but she was well aware that her voice was hitting an abnormally high pitched tone.

"He was saying your cooking's... beyond compare!"

"Swor, ay! Sawry meh!"

Meta Knight smirked. He suddenly thought of an applicable punishment for his two apprentices and it perfectly fit the situation. He gave a tiny hum of approval and walked away, his boots making a clanking noise as he walked around the hall and turned a corner.

As soon as they were certain that he had left the balcony area, Blade and Sword even checked the hallway, they let out a defeated sigh. They knew that Meta Knight had heard. there was just no way he had missed their griping. He had shown up at just the right moment.

"Blade... I've got a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach about this." To prove her point, her tummy gave a dissatisfied rumble, rejecting the spaghetti they had had tonight. Why did Meta Knight always cook Italian food, anyway?

"Sor 'right, ay nem sor punishment tomorrow."

"For sure. And judging by how Meta Knight seemed satisfied with our explanation, it means he'll be cooking up the usual stuff. And he'll expect us to like it."

They walked off from the balcony, eager to distract themselves from the situation. Blade decided to chat, or rather, mumble about the weather; while Sword opted to rubbing her stomach with a groan. Even she was better at cooking than Meta Knight, but the last time she had made something was breakfast a few months ago.

It was Blade's birthday, so she had made scrambled eggs. It was good enough, better because it was nearly drenched in butter and not too salty, but she had made a mess of the kitchen and it had taken two hours to sort out the ordeal.

The whole time, Meta Knight had simply watched, leaning against the wall, not so much as blinking as Sword laboriously scrubbed the floor in an attempt to remove the dried egg whites. Blade kept offering to help but Sword stubbornly refused and she didn't dare ask Meta Knight for fear of his response. So, she had awkwardly done the job herself, and had kind of ruined the morning because of it.

She was too ashamed to even mention the fact that she was the only girl doing the work around the kitchen, while the men watched. For perhaps any other female, the sexism excuse could be made, saying how it was always the girl who had to do the domestic work, but ordinarily it was Meta Knight anyway and she had no other options to resort to. He had her beaten in the argument before it had ever arisen.

At least her scrambled eggs were better than Meta Knight's usual garlic-y toast and cereal.

The knight in question leapt down from the ceiling, silently, then he rushed off from the hallway without a single glance back. He had work to do, and if he wanted it done he needed to get to the grocery store tonight.

* * *

"Kirby! Kirby! Guess what?" shouted Tuff. Kirby turned away from the Ebrum's breakfast table to look at Tuff, who was juggling a soccer ball on his left foot. His mother and father had already left for town so there was nobody around to scold the boy. He nearly lost the ball, getting dangerously close to a beautiful, lavender flower vase, but nothing bad happened as he eventually settled down. With nobody around to play with except Kirby, he was immediately bored. He sighed, looking at the TV, then at Kirby.

"Poy?" said Kirby, cocking his head in confusion. He was asking something along the lines of, "What do you you wanna do?"

Poyoan is a fairly complex language. Generally it is the same as our own, replacing every syllable with a specific word. Poy, Po, Poyo, Yo and Popoy are the only real terms in Poyoan. They are mixed in speech as necessary. Generally a word's syllable's main vowel is replaced one of the five sounds a young Poyoan voice can produce. Poy stands for the letter A, Po for E or just the E sound in general, Poyo for I or the I sound, Yo for O and popoy for U.

So if you wanted to day, "I'm having a good day at the beach" in Poyoan, you could say, "Poyo Popoyo poy yo po poy popopo!" But that would be a very long phrase to express one thought, so typically Poyoan children shorten their statements to a verb and adjective, hoping others can simply infer the subject is the speaker. Rather than that long sentence, Kirby would probably say "Yo po!" for, "Good Beach!"

However, Kirby does not speak English, but rather, Japanese, which speak and read from right to left. Nobody can say why, least of all Kirby, so that means he switches the order of his words, resulting in the single phrase, "Poyo!" This typically happens to be the exact phrase Kirby is searching for most of the time, so it is the one he chooses most often. Poyo could stand from anything between "Food Tasty" or because it is also the word for the I sound, Poyo could also mean "I," as in, I will do this, or I've got this.

Often, one word commands can be used to express more difficult phrases. Translated directly, Kirby had just asked "What?" but in context, rather than asking about a specific object, Kirby wanted to know about a specific action. "What" could refer to either what game Tuff wanted to play or what Tuff was talking about from his question before, when he was juggling the soccer ball. Both could apply, but only when you take a look back at the conversation. Kirby had obviously forgotten Tuff's original question by the point where he was speaking and was clearly referring to how Tuff appeared bored at the moment.

So you can see why it is impossible to understand a Poyoan child. You can't exactly blame its speakers, a Poyoan's undeveloped vocal cords have absolutely no sounds other than these five, and children can't be bothered with long phrases when they really only need one thing. It's a skill most parents of the species struggle with. At least the children are intelligent enough to form any thoughts at all.

* * *

**(If all of that just confused you, here's the TL;DR. Poyoan is made up of five major sounds, all stemming from the word Poyo, the only word a child's vocal cord can produce. In a word, each sound replaces the main vowel of a syllable. To make things easier, most Poyoans only use one-word commands for things they want, expecting others to determine the meaning in context.)**

**Here are the five major sounds for key reference:**

**Poy=A  
**

**Po=E or just the E sound in general (Tasty, happy or tricky)  
**

**Poyo=I or just the I sound (Why, fly or cry)  
**

**Yo=O  
**

**Popoy=U**

**Who cares, it's not like you are translating Kirby anyway. He could say, "I'm going to eat your brains," and to you it will still sound like "Poyo!" Don't whip out your cameras too fast here, folks, Kirby's not as cute as he seems. WORLD DOMINATIOOON! **

**But I digress. This is why I should never have made a TL;DR.**

* * *

Tuff didn't understand what Kirby was saying, so he just decided to walk out the door to play with the other kids. He was kicking the soccer ball between his feet, and he was so preoccupied that he didn't notice that he was walking right into Tiff!

"AHH! Oh, sorry Tiff. You startled me!"

"Didn't Mom say not to play ball in the house?"

"Yeah, but... uhh..."

"Well, go on, I know you're going outside to play with that thing."

"Gee, thanks sis!" Without another word, Tuff began kicking the ball down the hall. Tiff heard a few screams, but as she turned to survey the damage, she saw that it was only Waddle Doo, afraid of being mistaken for the ball. Tuff simply jetted past, bee-lining for the courtyard and the drawbridge.

Tiff turned to look at Kirby. He was busy enjoying the last remnants of breakfast. He was literally sucking the plates clean. But that was fine with her; she didn't mind whatever it took to satisfy Kirby.

She suddenly turned to enter her room when she heard metallic clangs echoing from the hall. They were not foreign to her, she recognized the unmistakably careful footfall of the captain of the guard, Meta Knight.

She never really understood that guy. She walked into her room to grab the marine biology book that had brought her up here in the first place, hoping to avoid a confrontation.

Meta Knight walked in the open apartment door just as she started rummaging through her bookcase. He greeted Kirby warmly.

"Good day, Kirby. How was your breakfast?"

"Poyo!" he shouted. Meta Knight translated; Kirby had said "Food Tasty!"

"Are you still hungry, little one? I have a few leftovers downstairs, if you would not mind helping me finish them."

"Popoy yo!" he said, leaping down from the chair, not taking a glance back at the perfectly clean plates on the kitchen table. Meta Knight didn't even need to translate this one, he already knew that Kirby had just said, "Of course!"

He led Kirby out the door with a smirk etched firmly on his face. Kirby would be a big help this morning, as Meta Knight had far too much food on his hands to deal with. He had purposely planned to make everything as positively putrid as possible, but even so, it would be good enough that Kirby would like it. If it was edible, it was good, at least in Kirby's opinion, and for the moment that suited Meta Knight just fine.

Tiff stared out of her room, having sworn that she had heard Meta Knight, but neither he nor Kirby were anywhere to be found in the kitchen or living room. She shrugged, closing the still open door to the house, returning to her search.

* * *

Sword and Blade sat miserably in their rooms. They were deathly afraid of whatever concoction their master had been making. They had been correct in assuming that Meta Knight was going to be cooking more than usual today, and they were correct in their assumption that it was going to be even worse. They were getting used to punishments like this whenever they had done something stupid, after all, they were his apprentices, but they were getting the feeling that knowing in advance was going to make it all the more difficult. They had a feeling about exactly what was going to happen, and they were in no rush for breakfast, even though the sun was reaching its zenith and their stomachs were practically chomping at the bit for food. Hopefully they could make themselves hungry enough so that they would just wolf down the food without tasting it.

What they hadn't counted upon was Kirby's presence. Having someone else around, even someone as clueless as the little pink puffy creature, was going to make their charade all the more difficult to keep up with. They had to at least try to use good manners, for Kirby's sake.

* * *

Meta Knight set the flour, meat and fresh vegetables out on the counter. He had a sudden inspiration after hearing about Sir Ebrum's dinner, which he had made because it was a childhood favorite of his.

Now, Meta Knight hadn't exactly had a conventional childhood, or even _a_ childhood for that matter, but there was one memory that he had that wasn't quite so terrible. One night, after a battle for a planet known for its exceptionally fertile soil, Nightmare had had one of those weird days when he wasn't feeling as vengeful and evil as usual. Rather than complaining about some of the small losses, as a reward for the hard work of the day, Nightmare had ordered takeout from a local restaurant. Meta Knight could still imagine the face of the poor clerk as he had picked up the packages and returned to the home base.

He vaguely remembered some of the other demon beasts, including a puppy-sized version of Wolfwrath, chowing down on Fajitas, Burritos, Tacos, Chimichangas and Enchiladas. Meta Knight had been, well, about Kirby's age. At least he had been the same size, anyway.

It was the equivalent of a feast. Wolfwrath had scored his first official kill today, and as such he had been allowed to choose spicy food for the evening meal. Meta Knight liked spicy food just as much, and he had no problem downing every salsa-covered dish that happened to look at him the wrong way.

He remembered how everyone else's face had turned red as the flavor overcame them. Nightmare had stuck around to watch, though he didn't need to eat. Rather, he enjoyed feeding on the rage of some of the lesser demon beasts as their tongues surrendered to the spicy barrage. Meta Knight had particularly enjoyed it when Tornadon, still only a baby, had taken his first nibble and promptly fanned everyone present with his arms. True to his name, he swirled up a tornado, and it had caused the salsa to twirl through the air and land on the face of Customer Service. Oh, that day had been so sweet.

Meta Knight was determined to make exactly the same events unfold, and he had a few more plans in store that would surely make his knaves regret their hasty comment.

Of course, he first had to make the food.

"Kirby, would you go into the other room and see how my knaves are doing? Tell them I shall have lunch ready soon."

Kirby nodded with a cheer and he ran off immediately to fulfill the knight's wish.

* * *

Meta Knight measured flour, water and a number of other things the author couldn't be bothered to list into a bowl. He mixed up the batter, quickly, then slowly, then quickly again, making sure that none of it spilled over. When he was content that it had all been thoroughly mixed in, he set it aside, pulling out a second bowl the same size and repeating the procedure. Only this time, he grabbed a fist-full of pepper flakes and some other spices into this batch. When the mixture was so well stirred that he didn't even notice the specks of black and red himself, he set that bowl far aside.

He went to the other bowl, then pulled out a pan from one of the cabinets, setting it over the stove range. He flicked on the gas burner and he started pouring the batter into small rings that resembled very thin pancakes. As they began to cook, Kirby reentered the room. Meta Knight suddenly noticed how much time it had taken the warrior to return into his room. The child was looking at the ground, feeling guilty about something, but what that was, Meta Knight wasn't sure.

"Kirby, what is the matter? Why are you staring at the ground so intently?"

"Poy... yo... poy poy..."

Meta Knight didn't exactly know how to respond. Sword and Blade suddenly running off, as Kirby had just said, wasn't something he had accounted for.

"Do me a favor then, little one. Can you please search for them? Tell them I need to see them sometime today and they should come straight back here. If they do not, make sure you tell me. I will just fetch them myself if they give you any trouble. OK? You do not need to feel so glum."

Kirby locked eyes with the knight but left to comply with the command.

Now what were his knaves up to that it had so deeply disturbed Kirby?

* * *

Sword and Blade were running as fast as their legs could carry them, up traveler's road. If they could help it, they weren't going to come back down that road for a good few weeks.

They were not going to subject themselves and their poor taste-buds to this any longer.

They were huffing and puffing already; starved from the morning's "hunger strike" and it only served to weaken them further. If they kept up like this they were definitely going to pass out.

"We... can't keep this up... Blade we... need to stop." Sword suddenly skidded to a halt.

"Ay? Sword, ay... swar meh why... did you stop?"

"I..." Sword coughed before continuing. "Well... we can't just run away from our problems like this. Sooner or later we're gonna have to get this over with. I'd rather it be sooner than later."

Blade nodded, although he didn't want to.

He was spared a reply as the shepherd greeted them from the fields.

"Good morning Sword, Blade! How goes it this fine day?"

Blade didn't respond. He knew that the other Cappies had trouble understanding his speech. Sword usually handled it whenever they had company.

"Morning," Sword said, without any excitement.

"...Why the long face, Sword? Something wrong?"

Blade gave a snicker, noticing for the first time just how long the helmet on her armor was. He silenced himself fairly quickly as he though back to their dilemma, though.

"As a matter of fact... yeah. We said something we didn't really mean to Meta Knight and now... erk!" Sword held her stomach. Blade looked down at his own and it gave a growl.

"You two seem hungry to me."

"You don't know the half of it. See, Meta Knight usually cooks us all Italian food. I wouldn't mind it, if it wasn't _every single night_. It's nice what he does for us, but sometimes, I wonder if he's thinking straight."

"Sor aw ay erm hem sowr now he's making more..."

"Making more?" asked the shepherd.

"He's cooking up a lot more food than usual for lunch, and he's making sure it tastes as bad as possible. That's all we've been able to guess about what he's up to, anyway."

The shepherd cocked his head in confusion. If it was even possible, he was the stupidest Cappy in Cappy Town. "Why would he make bad food?"

Blade shook his head. But Sword wasn't giving up. Perhaps she could salvage the conversation.

"He's making bad food because we were talking about how bad his cooking was."

"You said that?! You should be ashamed!" said the shepherd. Blade was surprised by the man's conviction. "Have you apologized?"

Blade and Sword looked at each other. "We didn't say it to his face. We... were just kinda jokin' around. We saw the Ebrum's eating their dinner and we thought we'd say how it smelled better than Meta Knight's cooking does."

"So why is he mad at you, then?"

"He turned the corner just after..." Sword trailed off. "I don't know why we're telling you all this. I'm sure you've got your own things to worry about."

"Not at all! It would be terrible to ignore someone in need of help! Now, what to do..." the shepherd looked up at the sky, watching the clouds. There was a particularly strange one, in the shape of a hoop.

Just as Blade started walking away, towing Sword behind him with a barely contained sigh, the shepherd had an idea.

He coughed a few times before chasing after the two.

Sword stopped in her tracks, pulling Blade to a stop too. "Ay? The shepherd's comin' straight for us!"

"Sword, ay nem sa-"

"I figured it out! I know how to solve your dinner problem!"

Blade stood up straighter in excitement. But Sword was skeptical.

"Yeah? Well, what is it?"

"Go ask Mabel! She can see the future and I'd bet she'd be willing to tell you how to prepare for it!"

Sword and Blade looked to each other. It wasn't a good solution, but it was a plan. They nodded, thanking he shepherd, and they ran down the street in the hopes of finding Mabel in the village square.

* * *

"Humph. I didn't think it would be this... hard to make a hard shell taco." Meta Knight stood knee-deep in jalapeño slices, trying to fish some of them out of the sink, as he didn't have a garbage disposal. The humor of his statement was not lost upon him.

Most everything was done twice over. He had carefully made sure to put one jalapeño each on top of the extra spicy food, and leave some medium salsa on the side of the normal stuff. The normal things looked good to him, but some of them were starting to get a little soggy. Where was Kirby? Even though the kitchen was a mess, he had everything ready, and it was high time for the two renegade apprentices to face the plates.

Suddenly he thought of something. Why not make the meal's flair a little more... realistic? He went to his closet, pulling out a few long cloths and a wide brimmed hat.

* * *

Kirby gave another cry. "Poyo! Poyo! Poyo!"

He had said, "Sword Blade" in rapid succession.

Despite how hard he tried, Kirby couldn't locate them. He was just heading up the traveler's road when it occurred to him that they might have left Cappy Town by now.

He was replaying their conversation in his head.

"Sor, ay neh Kirby!"

"Geez, Kirby, you scared us nearly to death!"

"Poy?"

"Come on, Kirbs, you gotta help us get this window open."

"Poy?"

"Yeah, Kirby, sword ay sor hem nay ay?"

Kirby didn't know why they were trying to get the window open, but he was still more than happy to help. He put his whole body under the small gap the two knights had made, and he lifted with all his strength. The metal squealed as he raised it a fraction of an inch. Blade held his head in disgust but returned to the task.

"Poyo!" he said. Kirby had just asked "Why?"

In Poyoan, the E sound and I sound replace the Y vowel, so that any word with a Y, rather than another vowel, falls into one of the two categories. "Why" makes a long vowel sound, so it is replaced with the "I" word.

To answer his own question, which neither of the two apprentices understood, Kirby looked a little closer at the window. Somethign had been tied to the outside and was weighing it down.

It was a small rock. Nothing serious, but nothing light, either. It made opening the window all the harder.

"Who put that rock there, anyway? Ya think it was Meta Knight?"

Kirby gave a cry of indignation. He would never do such a thing!

"Sword, ay meh tah absolutely!"

"Whatever, we gotta keep lifting or we're stuck here!"

The two doubled their efforts.

Kirby continued lifting as best he could, but he wasn't quite strong enough, even with the three of them, the window was only rising a fraction of an inch.

"We can't let this stand in our way!"

Blade nodded.

Suddenly, inspiration struck Kirby. If they were able to get the window high enough so that one of their swords could slide through, then they could cut the rope and be free! He pushed even harder.

Confident that they had enough room, Kirby leapt down, to the struggling apprentices' surprise.

"What are you- hey! That ain't a toy Kirby, that's my sword!"

Kirby wedged under the window gap, sword at the ready.

"Sowr, ay look 't 'im."

"Yeah, lucky devil can fit under the window. What's he... the rope!"

Kirby sliced the rope, happily crawling back and opening the window for the two. Sword took her weapon back and jumped to the windowsill as Kirby stepped down.

"Thank you, Kirby! You're a real big help!"

Kirby beamed up at him.

"Ay neh srowr sawry meh get away from Meta Knight!"

And with that the two were gone. They jumped to the lower balcony and began running through the halls.

Kirby's grin was replaced with an expression of surprise. Get away from Meta Knight? Why?

He didn't understand their reasons then and he only barely understood them now.

* * *

Sword and Blade arrived in the village as the sun finished its noon day watch. It was beginning to sink to the west.

"We ain't got much time! Where ya think Mabel's at?"

"Sor ay nem could be anywhere!"

Contrary to their belief, Mabel was very close by, so close that she heard their every word. She tiptoed around the block from her current location and she slipped, undetected, into her office.

Sword and Blade continued circling Cappy Plaza until they noticed Mabel's building. Usually she wasn't here; mostly she was gallivanting around the town with some of the other women folk, or in rare cases, talking to Samo. She did prediction work for the king, but she was generally known to have very few customers besides him.

However, the door to her shop was open and they decided at least to check inside.

"I have been expecting you two," said Mabel, barely masking her excitement with a mysterious air. Sword and Blade leapt back but calmed down. Neither of the two really believed in magic, anyway.

"Hello, Mabel. We've got... a big problem on our hands and we're wondering if you could help us out."

"Through the power of clairvoyance, I shall determine your problem and its solution. Please close the curtains on your way in."

Sword smiled, drawing the curtains and making the room marginally darker. Mabel threw off her clairvoyance hat and gestured for the two to take a seat beside her. She knew darn well that they didn't believe in magic and if they needed her help it was probably more serious than they let on.

The whole first three sentences of that entire exchange were for show, if any other Cappies were in earshot.

"Now. What seems to be troubling you two so much?"

"We'll get straight to the point, Mabel," said Sword with a gulp. "We pissed off Meta Knight."

"How so?"

"We insulted his cooking."

Mabel gave both of them a back-handed slap, which hit surprisingly well through their armor. Mabel didn't pause to rub her own hand, still ringing with the impact.

"Do either of you realize how stupid that is? Meta Knight is your mentor, he is kind enough to cook meals for you, and you insult him for it? You have no business asking me about this. The correct path would be to apologize to him at once."

"But, Mabel-"

"No buts!"

"Sowr ay but its more complicated than that!"

Mabel calmed down. "More complicated, you say... tell me about it, then. All of it."

"See... we don't usually mind. He makes Italian food all the time, and though we're sick of it, we usually don't say anything. but we saw the Ebrum family eating pot roast the other night, and I said it smelled really good."

"And this is insulting... why?"

"Well, I also said that anything would smell good, at least compared to Meta Knight's cooking... Blade agreed and then, all of a sudden, Meta Knight crept up behind us and asked what we were talking about. I kinda lost it and I... well I couldn't tell him the truth! I said that his cooking was... beyond compare."

"Sword ay, but we're pret' sure he knows what we really meant."

Mabel nodded in understanding.

"We're pretty worried about him. Generally when we do something like this he punishes us. He's a real fan of the statement, 'the punishment fits the crime.' I'm pretty sure he went grocery shopping last night and he's making a smorgasbord... but probably it will taste even worse than usual and we'll have to tell him its good."

"Ahh... I see now. You don't want to get into any more trouble by hurting his feelings."

"Yeah... 's 'bout right..."

"Well, if you go down that path, I can assure you, you can't win."

"...Huh? How do you figure?"

"If Meta Knight's cooking isn't good, then just tell him so. Or at least offer to help from time to time. You can't lie about something if it bothers you. that's how you got into this situation in the first place."

"So you think we should... tell him? But then he'll do something else!"

"Like what?"

"I don't know... but I know he'll say something and we'd rather avoid confrontation."

"You'd be surprised. Acting mature will probably resolve this much faster. Meta Knight isn't as crazy as you make him out to be. I'd feel the same way if someone insulted my cooking. Remember when Dedede went around mooching meals? We don't need that kind of animosity again, you know?"

Blade nodded, though he didn't exactly agree, but Sword wasn't at all ready to give up. Mabel didn't change her mind in the slightest.

"But..."

"No buts! Now go on, get out of here and face the facts. You can't just run away from your problems."

"...Yes, ma'am."

The two walked out of the fortune teller's chambers. Sword was not the type to give up easily, nor was Blade. "Sword ay hem sem stupid women folk."

Sword looked indignant. She gave Blade a punch to the nose.

* * *

Kirby had finished talking to the shepherd, though neither quite understood the other. The shepherd had in fact seen Sword and Blade come this way, but he had suggested to them to see Mabel. Kirby wasn't sure what their problem was, still nor did talking to Mabel about it make any sense t him. but at least he had a location, and he was setting off for it as fast as his little legs could carry him.

Nobody stopped him along the way, thankfully, and Kirby managed to arrive in Cappy Plaza just as the two were exiting the fortune teller shop.

They spoke in low tones, then Sword came Blade a smack to the cheek. And by smack, I mean punch, and by cheek, I mean entire face.

Kirby giggled before racing up to them. He gave his trademark cry of, "poyo," though what it meant, even Kirby wasn't sure. It was something like, "I found you."

Blade and Sword paled a little. They took off in the opposite direction.

Kirby chased them all through the square, around the tree, into and then out of Kawasaki's, through Cheif Bookem's station, into and then out of Tuggle's store, Gengu's toy store, Curio's specialty historic shop, until there was a large and angry mob following the chase.

It didn't take long for Tiff to notice, then subsequently join the fray in an attempt to slow the mob.

"Hey! Stop!" she yelled. Nobody listened though, as Kirby tailed the knaves all the way to the coastline, where they simply dropped from hunger and exhaustion.

Kirby finally approached the pair as the mob circled them. Suddenly, they had flaming torches and pitchforks.

"Hey, this is for running through the candy aisle and knocking down my chocolate bars!"

"What's the big idea, breaking all those vases?!"

"You're under arrest!"

Cries surrounded poor Kirby, who just then realized that he was cornered.

"Hey! Leave Kirby ALONE!" tiff shouted, finally earning the spotlight. People quieted down. "What is going on here?"

"Kirby knocked over all my doll collections while he was tailing them two!" Gengu said, pointing at the fallen knaves. People suddenly noticed that they were unconscious.

Kirby tried to lift them but they were too heavy. Tiff shook her head. "OK, everyone, its nothing big. Just go on back to Cappy Town and we'll get Meta Knight out here to help settle this."

Begrudgingly, the mob dispersed.

"Kirby... what's this about anyway? Why were you chasing them?"

Kirby knew that Tiff didn't speak his language, so he tried to pantomime his thoughts. He took one of the fallen warrior's swords, picking it up and holding it aloft with a serious expression.

He muttered some squeaks that were as low as he could take them. His utterly serious manner, including the sword, finally tipped Tiff off.

"Oh, Meta Knight? Is he looking for these two?"

"Poy!" Kirby said jumping up and down happily, dropping the sword. Tiff looked at the two knaves.

"It's nearly two o'clock in the afternoon... they can't be _this_ tired..."

Kirby tried picking them up again but he failed miserably.

"I'll get Meta Knight... maybe he can help us carry them back in."

* * *

Tiff approached the knight's quarters when she heard an odd noise coming from behind the door. It was Meta Knight... or was it? His words were very out of character.

A muffled, "Hola mis amigos!" was squeaked out in a high pitched voice. Meta Knight laughed, mocking himself.

She finally opened the door, absorbed in her curiosity.

She slammed it shut very quickly, not knowing exactly how to respond to the scene before her. A few hasty slamming noises were heard and suddenly the door opened again.

"Hello... Tiff... what has you so worried?"

Tiff still wasn't moving, not even breathing. Only one thought raced through her head, and it was concerning the navy-clad figure before her.

"Erm... uh... M-Meta Knight..?"

He sighed. "Yes?"

"...What were you doing in there?"

"Waiting for Sword and Blade. I have got a lesson to teach them."

Tiff paused before staring back in horror. "YOU CALL THAT A LESSON?!"

"Yes. I do. Have you seen the two around lately?"

"Well... that's w-what I came to talk to you about. K-Kirby was chasing them around Cappy Town and eventually they just collapsed on the beach. I... was hoping you could help us carry them back up to the castle... but if you're too busy, erm... with your, ah... lesson..."

"Not a problem! I'd be glad to escort them up here. By the way... would you like to join us afterwards for a late lunch?"

"...I appreciate the offer... but... uh... I don't think I'm quite... uh... I mean..."

Meta Knight chuckled. "Oh, it is alright. Just say it."

"You've gone crazy."

"You really think so? Good. That makes this all the better."

They began chatting idly as they exited the castle, intent on retrieving the two errant knaves.

* * *

Kirby was busy playing the surf as Sword and Blade sat against the cliffside. They couldn't even move.

"Sword, ay hem neh ay this is harder than I thought it would be."

"We can't just stay here forever. I'm starving!"

"Sor ay neh meh na hungry too!"

"You can say that again."

Suddenly Sword blinked, realizing their conversation was just the same as the one yesterday. If Meta Knight was around... she shuddered.

As if on cue, Kirby piped up, pointing toward the horizon. Tiff and Meta Knight were _heading straight for them._

"We can't let him see us!"

They immediately began scrambling aside, but Kirby blocked their path. They were literally crawling along the ground and they knew there was no hope of escaping. Blade resigned himself to his fate as Sword gave a muffled wail.

"Sword, ay ay meh sawry let's just do this."

"I'm not! Never! I'd rather starve!"

"Sor ay know you don't mean that," Blade said with a frown of his own.

"Well... maybe starving would be pretty bad... but this is going to get a whole lot harder than you think it is."

Suddenly, a navy-clad figure leapt from the coast, landing right in front of his apprentices, startling them from their conversation.

"Hello, you two. I hear you have had quite the morning. Not sure why you two skipped breakfast AND lunch, but we can resolve that easily enough. Come on," he said, grabbing them rather roughly by the back of their armor, dragging them from the beach, carrying them as though they were wads of paper.

"S-sir! I... we can walk!"

"I would not dream of making my two, poor apprentices even lift a finger while they are this hungry. What kind of a horrible mentor (and chef) am I, huh?"

Sword began to try and squirm but she didn't even have the energy to do that. Blade had his head down; all of the fight had been drained right out of him. They left small tracks in the sand.

Kirby followed with a bounce as Tiff followed from the cliff above. She couldn't have made the long jump down like Meta Knight did, so that left her stranded up above while he carted off the two knaves.

She grimaced, knowing the sight that would befall them the moment they entered the castle.

* * *

Meta Knight unceremoniously dropped the two knaves in front of their quarters.

"Now, just give me a minute to whip something together. Kirby, can you make sure these two get in here after a few minutes?"

Kirby gave a little cheer, just as oblivious to whatever was inside the kitchen as the knaves were.

Tiff had left them in peace a long time ago.

Meta Knight walked into their room too quickly for anyone to peer in after him. He readjusted his get up, uncovered all the waiting food trays, and he chuckled darkly. "Come in, guys! It is all ready!"

His light tone only fooled Kirby, who didn't know how long it took to cook things. Sword and Blade knew perfectly well that he had spent all day working on whatever culinary abomination was waiting behind those doors.

"Well... we just have to play along... I guess." and with that, Sword opened the door.

It was worse than they had imagined. The whole room was decorated with Papel Picado, special red and yellow colored streamers that dangled from every conceivable surface. Confetti was littering the whole room too, but that wasn't what was occupying the two knaves.

Meta Knight was in the most ridiculous getup he could find. He had replaced his cape with a teal _poncho_, with many zigzag lines adorning the fabric. On his head, he wore a _sombrero_, festooned with _glitter_ of all things.

"Hola mis amigos. ¿Qué pasa? Soy el señor de los brazos fideos!"

**Google Translate (note that this is actually my translation, not google's): "Hello my friends. What's up? I'm Mr. Noodle arms!"**

Their eyes shifted a quarter of an inch to the table before them, with magnificent looking platters of different Mexican foods. Chimichangas, Enchiladas, Tacos, Burritos, bread, sauces, chips, all kinds of cheesy goodness, and there was enough to feed an army. It actually smelled... good.

Sword turned as fast as she could, running as far as she could get. Blade just stood mesmerized before she took his hand and ran with him. Within seconds he willingly followed her, eager to get away from the odd scene.

True to his new name, "Mr. Noodle Arms" raced after the two and promptly caught them by the back of their armor, spilling glitter from his sombrero on their faces.

"¿Qué pasa? ¿Por qué corren? Penso que te gustaba mi comida."

**GT: "What? Why run? I thought you liked my food."**

Sword knew some Spanish, enough to know what she'd just been asked.

"Uh... it must have been a muscle spasm... I do like your cooking, Meta Knight. There's nobody who does it better!" She gave a chipper grin as she was hauled into the kitchen, but deep down, she was feeling the urge to run as fast and as far as her legs could carry her. Blade seemed resigned to his fate yet again and he refused to speak.

"Eso es bueno, yo estaba preocupado por ustedes dos. No se preocupen, sé cómo solucionar su problema muscular."

**GT: "That's good, I was worried about you two. Do not worry, I know how to solve your muscular problem."**

Sword shivered. Kirby shut the door as they entered the room.

"Poyo!" he said, ready to dig into the feast.

Meta Knight, or as he seemed to prefer now, Señor Noodle Arms, forced Sword and Blade into a chair at one side of the table. Before Sword could leap away, Meta Knight grabbed some kind of rope, tying it around the chair and securing it firmly around her waist. She struggled for a few seconds before realizing that she was tied down and there would be no escape. Meta Knight repeated the procedure on the dumbstruck Blade.

"Allí, ahora podemos tener nuestro almuerzo. Verdad, Kirby?"

**GT: "There, now we can have our lunch. Right, Kirby?"**

Kirby gave his usual cheer as he prepared to inhale. Meta Knight rushed over and clamped his mouth shut. "Ah ah, no! Usted va a comer todo!"

**GT: "AH! AH! NO! You are going to eat everything!"**

Kirby shrugged, grabbing a fork and knife.

Meta Knight gave Kirby a plate with an enchilada on it. It was covered in extra spicy sauce, topped with a number of different peppers. Meta Knight knew this was one of Sword and Blade's dishes.

"Y un plato muy especial para vosotros."

**GT: "And a very special plate for you all."**

Meta Knight placed two regular dishes in front of Sword and Blade, with the same thing, only without all the extra spices. Sword was already wary.

"Does Kirby get a special plate?"

Kirby looked up from his plate to realize that he did not, in fact, have a special plate. He gave a dejected frown. "Poyo..."

Although Sword didn't like to take advantage of the tiny Poyoan, she knew that he had some kind of special tolerance for spicy things, more so than she did. "Hey, how about we switch?"

Kirby was ecstatic. Meta Knight gave a little sneer, this was exactly what he expected.

"Sor, ay, uh, Kirby, me too! Switch!"

Blade nudged the plate across the table into Kirby's awaiting mouth. He downed it with a satisfied grin.

Meta Knight took Kirby's plate, true to the bargain, handing it to Blade. He grabbed another one, with perhaps even more peppers, giving it to Sword. He smirked, although neither of them noticed. Eagerly they dove into their enchilada.

Five seconds elapsed. Blade was just now noticing the amount of spice in his food and he was beginning to choke on it.

He sneezed, nearly breathing fire as he squirmed in his chair, the cord preventing him from moving.

Sword just waited with deathly silence. The minute she opened her mouth, she would_ literally_ spill the beans, the very same ones that were in the dish, and she still didn't want to admit defeat. But her eyes were watering, and her body was rejecting the food. She tried her best to calm down, but she was still shaking as she robotially turned to face Meta Knight.

"...This is good..." she croaked. The real Meta Knight wasn't convinced at all, but "Señor Noodle Arms" was. He clapped his hands and gave a cheer.

"Hay mucho más de donde vino eso!"

**GT: "There is much more where that came from!"**

Sword groaned, but inwardly so as not to ruin the meal. she was starving in any case, and though it burned, she did her level best to wolf it down without tasting it. A few fiery breaths later confirmed that she was not succeeding. Blade tried to follow her example but he was failing quite miserably.

"Sword, cálmate, usted va a darse la acidez estomacal."

**GT: "Sword, calm down, you will give yourself heartburn."**

Sword did not stop until she had finished the plate, except for the peppers. She hated those things.

"Apuesto a que todavía tiene hambre ... tener un burrito!"

**GT: "I bet you are still hungry... have a burrito!"**

Meta Knight placed a tightly wrapped package before her. She gently unwrapped the top while Blade struggled through his enchilada, downing his entire glass of water with a single gulp. Sword had purposely ignored hers.

Blade coughed, as he noticed all too late that he was drinking sparkling water. He groaned.

"Blade, suenas con problemas. ¿Hay algo mal con el agua?"

**GT: "Blade, you seem troubled. Is there something wrong with the water?"**

"Ack... sor ay bubbly... can I have regular water?"

"Diga por favor, Blade!"

**GT: "Say please, Blade!"**

"Sor ay meh Please? Come on, Meta Knight, this 's just too spicy to 'ake on without somethin' good to wash it down."

"¿...Es demasiado picante para ti?"

**GT: "...Is it too spicy for you?"**

"No Meta Knight, Blade is just a big ol' chicken. He can't appreciate how... delicious everything is."

"Bien, has dicho que mi comida era incomparable."

**GT: "Well, you did say my cooking was beyond compare."**

Sword grimaced. but something occured to her. "Hey Meta Knight, how come you keep talking in Spanish?"

"Mi nombre es Señor fideos brazos, no Meta Knight. Y, además, siempre he hablado español."

**GT: "My name is Mr. Noodle Arms, not Meta Knight. And besides, I have always spoken Spanish."**

"No, you definitely speak English. Come on, Meta Knight, we're starting to confuse the audience here."

Meta Knight ignored the fact that they had broken the fourth wall and he decided to agree with them.

"...You are right, Sword. I just hope they have access to Google Translate while they are reading this."

Sword grinned, absentmindedly chomping down her burrito. Her eyes widened and she barely managed to choke it down. She still had not touched her water.

Meta Knight went to their refrigerator and gave Blade a glass of regular water. He accepted it gratefully, still not even halfway done his enchilada. Little did he know that this was a five course meal, and Meta Knight had every intention on making sure they finished it.

He handed Kirby a burrito, but Kirby's was not quite so spicy as Sword's, nor did the knight offer to switch. Rather, he simply gulped it down and Meta Knight handed him another.

Sword gulped down her own, eyes reddening beyond belief, as another burrito was placed in front of her. Meta Knight could tell that she was struggling through the dish. He smirked evilly, but his mask hid the ominous action.

His eyes were so pink right now that he didn't even bother trying to fight down his amusement. He would handle the fact that they were a girly color some other time. Right now, he just enjoyed the suffering of his apprentices. Served them right.

And speaking of serve, by some miraculous chance, Blade finished his enchilada.

"Ah, Blade, nice work. I'm sure you'd like to join Sword and Kirby in the burrito club."

"Eh... ay sor no really, I'm full."

"None of that now! You liked my cooking so much yesterday, I wonder why you seem to be afraid of it today. What, a little bit of meat and cheese scares you more than a monster does?"

Blade didn't fault his logic and he just accepted the burrito. Meta Knight could tell that he was about to surrender.

Sword tapped him on the shoulder, however, and gave him a nod. Blade shivered and began eating the meal in front of him, determined not to let down poor Sword, who had finished her second burrito. Kirby was still waiting for more.

"I guess that does it for those burritos. I have only got one left, and since you and Kirby each got two, I was hoping to save the last for Blade. but do not worry, I have something else!"

Meta Knight placed a plate of chimichangas in front of Sword. Just like the last two dishes, she began wolfing it down with reckless abandon. Meta Knight had a feeling that this strategy was going to betray her.

Kirby finished his own chimichanga the second it was placed in front of him.

She finished in record time, ready for more, although he had to admit this was the least spicy dish he had prepared for them. It was more of a halftime, a reward for having survived thus far into the game. "What else ya got, Meta Knight," she said, finally electing to take a sip of he sparkling water. She couldn't contain herself and she ended up drinking the whole thing, but much more slowly than Blade.

Meta Knight grabbed the fajita platter and set it down before her. Salsa Chicken, Beef, cheese, lettuce, sour cream, tomatoes and all sorts of topping met her gaze as a stack of tortillas was placed in the center of the table.

"Dig in, all of you."

Blade gave up on his burrito and he grabbed a tortilla, drowning it in sour cream. But just as he was about to bite down, Meta Knight grabbed his arm and pulled the food away from him.

"No, not yet, Blade, you still have that burrito and a plate of chimichangas to finish."

Meta Knight took the tortilla and threw it in the garbage, much to Blade's chagrin. "Oh, and Sword? Kirby? You have to take some of the meat, too. Otherwise it will just end up being left over. I guess Blade will just finish with whatever you two leave behind."

Kirby happily shoveled food on his plate, but Sword was frozen in her tracks. She looked at poor Blade, he wouldn't be able to make it that far. And if she cut down on whatever she ate, she was going to leave poor Blade to do the job. He would definitely give up.

She looked at the chicken and beef. She knew that this was more than a test of loyalty to Meta Knight, it was also a test of loyalty to Blade.

She envied how easily Kirby was able to eat. She had a feeling that the dishes he was getting were better prepared, but she wasn't risking another unfortunate switch.

She began shoveling beef onto her tortilla, and she didn't stop until there was only a tiny fraction left. Then she loaded up on chicken, though Blade tried to warn her in some way without Meta Knight noticing.

"Sword! Ay ehems ay you can leave some more," he said. but Sword knew exactly what he meant, and she was not subjecting him to whatever diabolical food was now on her plate.

Kirby went to eat his own, but suddenly Meta Knight was right behind him. Gently but quickly, he pushed Kirby's chair too far forward, and suddenly he landed face first in his fajita. He feigned worry.

"Oh, how clumsy of me! Here, Kirby, I will help you get that off."

He wiped Kirby's face with a napkin, making sure not to leave any of the spice. Fortunately, none of it had gotten into Kirby's eyes. However, this only confirmed Sword's suspicion that there was something extra "special" about these fajitas.

She tried Blade's strategy, drowning it in cheese and sour cream. Unfortunately, there wasn't much sour cream left. Then she rolled it up, but the tortilla didn't close all the way. She grabbed a second one.

Meta Knight replaced the fajita platter with more chicken and beef, but this time didn't prevent Kirby from eating it. He literally inhaled the entire thing before Blade's arm had moved far enough to grab a tortilla.

"Kirby! Do not do that! And Blade, you still have burritos and a chimichanga. No fajitas yet, alright? I know you can barely contain your excitement but you have got food right in front of you."

Sword was still eying her meal. She admitted that her stomach wasn't feeling all too good just then. She recognized that she was going to vomit very soon, but not quite yet. If she could finish before then, she stood a chance.

Problem was, she didn't know how many courses there were left. And she didn't want to ask, for fear of losing her appetite, though at the moment it was nonexistent.

Blade, sensing her weakness, began to devour his burrito in the hopes that it would help her decide what to do. He gagged, spewing some kind of cinnamon out in a cloud from his mouth. He reached for the water glass, too exited to control himself. He poured it all over his face, dribbling his meal out with some saliva. Who cared if anyone was watching, this was torture, and he wanted it over with now.

Meta Knight gave a cry of disgust, finally reverting his eyes to yellow.

Sword tried not to look. Blade had almost helped, but this was just foul. she couldn't take it any more, as time slowed to a painful crawl around her.

She picked up the burrito. Drool overflowed from poor Blade's mouth. The fajita came closer to her own. Blade coughed another cinnamon cloud. Meta Knight's eyes turned pink as he noticed Sword. Kirby picked up a stray lettuce leaf, eating it with a little grin, awaiting his next dish.

The fajita entered her mouth.

It wasn't too bad, she thought, as the sour cream calmed her raging taste-buds. She eagerly ate the fajita, expecting it to be just as easy.

Her tongue touched some of the beef.

"META KNIGHT!"she cried, throwing the item down onto her plate. Meta Knight grinned, pinker than ever. Here was the sweet, sweet, or rather, spicy, moment of triumph for him.

Sword either didn't notice or didn't care, but she did see Blade turn to her, and definitely felt him clamp a hand over her mouth.

What do you know, thought Meta Knight, it wasn't victory quite yet. But she still had to cover up that screech.

"Yes?" he asked, unceremoniously. His eyes were literally glowing with his amusement.

"THIS! THIS... this... is the best thing I have ever tasted in my life... how on Earth did you make it?"

Meta Knight grinned. "That first batch is seasoned with shredded Galbo, a special fire beast from Nightmare Enterprises." It hadn't been too hard to get the stuff, he had a jar of it in his cupboard. Now it was all in that one fajita.

Sword held back the urge to vomit. So did Blade.

Neither of them succeeded. Everything was hurled out with such ferocity that it was a miracle that Kirby dodged in time.

"Well... I guess..."

Blade finally did it, in a rather anti-climactic manner. "YOUR COOKING IS VILE!"

Sword, seeing that all was lost, joined Blade. The bile, and all of the chunks of spicy stuff, were revisiting her taste-buds and making it harder to speak, but she tried anyway. After a few more heaving sighs, she managed to cough out, "THIS IS JUST SICK!"

Meta Knight finally cracked. He fell to the floor, laughing uncontrollably. Kirby walked over to him, then shrugged, approaching the counter. He noticed several batches of hard shell tacos, having been made with varying levels of success. Many of them were spilling their contents out the side, the rest were just sort of lying there pathetically, Meta Knight not even having bothered to finish them. Kirby inhaled them all, even the "special" ones, too quickly for anyone to warn him.

"Yo... yo... YOYOYOYOYOYOYOYOYOYOYOYOYOYOYO!" he cried, repeating the term, "hot" as fast as he could. He ran to the fridge, grabbed fifty bottles of water, and began guzzling them all in an attempt to calm down. But he couldn't. Meta Knight had put ghost peppers in those tacos, and there was nothing Kirby could do. He literally did breathe fire, accidentally burning Blade's chair in the process, causing the smoke detectors to spew water.

Kirby gratefully held his mouth open as everyone was drenched in icy spray. Sword opened her own mouth, washing away the vile taste, but couldn't repress a shiver. The papel picado on the wall fell as it was weighed down by water. Meta Knight barely registered all of this as he continued laughing hysterically. His eyes were so pink that he couldn't see clearly.

* * *

Everyone eventually settled down. Sword and Blade untied themselves from their chairs, Meta Knight apologized, and Kirby eventually calmed down. Yes, they had all learned a lesson that day.

Hot-headed mistakes can cost you big time.


	2. A Swaggy Story: The Cracktastic Tale

Of course, I really had to get rid of the best parts of this, so I can still **keep this rated K+**. And of course, I need to make sure all you little kids out there know that **drugs are bad, should never be taken, and eating spicy food the day before you get a hangover is a really bad idea.**

**Not based on a real experience**. The party you are about to read about is completely fictitious, and I hope it stays that way.

A lot of swears are replaced with "fluffy" words, which will not cause offense, but I want you older readers to do the work yourself and replace the good words with bad ones, for your own entertainment. Thank you.

NO DICTIONARIES WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS STORY! (You'll understand that sentence if you read on...)

**A Spicy Story: EXTRA MODE!**

* * *

Meta Knight, who was fo' sure the most swagnificent bro Cappy Town had ever seen, unceremoniously dropped his two homies in front of their rockin' pad.

"Yo! Swag Knight and Big Daddy Knight! We gots to get you some food 'n at."

Kirby gave a little cheer, oblivious to whatever Meta Knight was saying. "SWAG DIGGITY!" came his trademark cry.

Meta Knight walked into their room too quickly for anyone to peer in after him. He put on his swag gear, ready to show those bridge-and-tunnel dirtballs what it meant to have style.

His light tone only fooled Kirby, who didn't know jack about swag. Swag and Big Daddy knew perfectly well that Meta Knight, their bro, had spent all day working on whatever fashion abomination was waiting behind those doors.

"Well... we gotta roll with that pimp BAMF. Ain't no DJ Meta Knight gonna upshow me. YOLO!" And with that, Swag Knight opened the door.

It was worse than they had imagined. The whole room was blacked out, all the drapes drawn, and they didn't even match the carpet. But, despite DJ Meta Knight's odd habits, a butt-load of Cappies were chilling in their hip pad. There was a disco ball, strobe lights, a refreshment table, and a rockin' radio set up. Two Cappies, Doron the criminal and somebody else were huffing some kind of drug in the corner.

Meta Knight was in the most swagnificent getup he could find. He had replaced his mask with a _silver sequined one_. It just looked so BAMF. On his head, he wore a pair of those glasses with lines in them, whatever they're called, and he was throwing stuff to the crowd of mad-chill radical Cappies who were jammin' to the beat.

"Wassup homies? I'm DJ Groovy Noodle! Y'all ready for some cool jamz? YOLO!"

The knaves' eyes shifted a quarter of an inch to the table of snacks. One bowl was filled with prescription drugs, and Big Daddy knight wanted them. He had an addiction more infectious than poison ivy.

A banging sound could be heard coming from, surprisingly, Swag Knight's room. A few groans also escaped from the ajar door, but nobody noticed over the music.

Ajar, are you kidding me? What an anti-swag word. We gotta rename that crap now. It is now, YOLO. The YOLO door was slightly open. Yeah, that works.

True to his new name, "DJ Groovy Noodle" put on some truly BAMF music. Both of the knights were impressed. Kirby shrugged past them, making a beeline for the snacks and eating all of the regular food. He ignored the drugs. Remember kids, drugs are bad for you, and Kirby is smart so he doesn't use them.

But when Swag Knight and Big Daddy tried to get in to join the rad scene, they found that their way was blocked by none other than Knuckle Joe.

"Hey, you got any weed? I can't let you in unless you got weed."

Swag checked her pockets. She was broke, and she had no weed.

"I'm broke, son-of-a... oh wait! You wanna go at it with me? I guess that could work, right?"

"Aw hell yisss..." Joe said, stripping his pants and grabbing Swag's arm with a meaty hand. The door shut in Big Daddy's face.

"Oh hell no! You ain't touching my gurrrrrrl!" Blade said, whaling against the wooden door with some surprising skill. He whipped off his armor, exposing his gloriously toned abs, and he immediately began banging the door harder.

Swag and Knuckle Joe were about to engage in their own "banging."

Big Daddy had no choice other than to bang harder, but despite his swag-worthy efforts, he had no success.

Swag Knight suddenly leapt away from Joe. "SEX IS BAD AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD!" and she raced to join the party, glad that she was still a virgin. Joe cried in the corner, realizing that he had no game.

Kirby gave his trademark cry, in an attempt to lighten the mood. "SWAG DIGGITY!"

Meta Knight, or as he seemed to prefer now, DJ Groovy Noodle, turned on some dupstep. Biblio and Curio, who had been dancing with minimal effort before, suddenly began shouting, "wubwubwubwubwubwubwubwub."

All of the Cappies were chanting along with them, "wubwubwub" was all that could be heard.

The noise started to attract King Dedede, or as he was more often called, King DropTheBass.

Escargoon, the local old geezer, heard as well. He was probably the world's least swaggy person. He immediately grabbed his cane, preparing to beat the ever-loving stuff out of some youngsters.

And speaking of Youngsters, a boy walked in through the drawbridge just then. He usually goes by the name of Joey.

"Hey, Rattata? I hear something... wanna go investigate?"

His Rattata gave a squeak of approval.

* * *

Back inside the party, a musical crime was about to take place. "This is DJ Groovy Noodle! We gonna switch beats!"

Unfortunately, he put on Call me Maybe, and the mood of the party was instantly destroyed.

Big Daddy immediately ran from the area, overhearing "teh madness," accidentally colliding with King DropTheBass.

"What's going on in this pimp-joint? Anybody smokin' weed yet?"

"I got the hellz outta there, bro. Meta Knight just lost meg swag points. He turned off the dupstep and he put on... bad pop songs."

"WHAT? I ain't gonna let that bro steal the mad swag! This's some delirious biznasty. We gotta save this party if we want the sweet l00t."

Five seconds elapsed. Big Daddy was just now noticing the amount of Ryan Seacrest cologne that King DropTheBass was wearing.

"You trying to get the ladies, triple D?"

"I already got _all_ the ladies, man."

"Swaaaaaag," Big Daddy said, clapping his hands reaaaaal slow, thinking about Swag Knight.

DropTheBass immediately ran to the wooden door separating them from the party, breaking it with a swing of his mad cray mallet.

"Hey! DJ Grody Noodle! Step aside for the reaaaaaaal swag masta."

Meta Knight ignored King DropTheBass, as he was too busy badly lip-syncing.

"I threw a wish in the well,

Don't ask me I'll never tell,

something like that, insert legal crap here-"

"And now you're in my way!" the king shouted, raising his hammer triumphantly.

DropTheBass put on a pair of lined swag-glasses, ready to unleash some musical fury. The Cappies cheered, seeing their totally BAMF king preparing to do some justice. He hip-checked Meta Knight aside, prepared to start some rapping. He used his hammer to turn the scratch disks and make some tubular beats.

Meta Knight stood up but the other Cappies grabbed him, flinging him out the window, and he fell into the courtyard. He landed on a certain Youngster, Joey.

"Rattata! A wild Pokemon appeared! Use your hyper beam attack!"

Rattata misinterpreted the command, choosing a hyper fang instead. Joey swore a torrent of curses before picking up the Rattata and throwing it five hundred miles away. He pulled another poke ball from his belt, and launched it, revealing another uber Rattata.

* * *

Back at the party, DropTheBass was, true to his name, busy dropping some swag. His mad beats were psychin' everybody out.

"Groovy man, grooooooovyyy..." said Curio, reminiscing about his days as a hippie.

Gus was literally hanging from the ceiling, too buzzed to stay still but too doped out to move. So he just swung from the sconce in the wall. But what kind of a boring word is sconce, anyway? They needed to rename that stuff, and fast.

Kirby gave his trademark cry, "SWAG DIGGITY!"

Gus got an idea. "We gonna call this stuff Swag Diggity from now on, 'K?"

Everyone cheered, now that the word sconce had just been blasted from the face of the Earth.

Somewhere, far out in space, in an alternate dimension, a dictionary cried. It decided to write a Fanfiction about its two favorite deceased words, Sconce and Ajar. But he got no reviews, because Dictionaries can't type. He was sad.

Escargoon suddenly opened the door. "Y'all are doped up lazy jerks and I called the cops! Now shaddap! Ya ain't got swag enough to evade the law!"

Nobody paid attention, except King DropTheBass.

"Shaddap yourself! Hey let's take 'dis outside. First one to kill the ugly old dawg wins some weed!"

Escargoon ran for his life, taking refuge in the throne room as he various Cappies in varying states of drunkeness ran after him, then into the courtyard. King DropTheBass brought out a boombox and somebody had taken the drugs with them too, so it was all good. But drugs are bad and you should never use them, unless a qualified doctor tells you so, and even then you should only use the prescribed amount. YOLO, so do it right and with real swag. Drugs are not real swag, by the way.

Escargoon was breathing very heavily when he suddenly got an idea. He ran to the throne. He sat in it, pressing the button, and the monster transporter as well as a monitor appeared to the left of him.

"Customer Service, at yo' service. Welcome to the N.M.E. Party Train... or somethin'... Oh, hey old man, you got any weed?"

Escargoon's eyes twitched. "Everyone in the whole frikkin place is havin' a party and I want in but I ain't got no drugs so I need some swag. Can ya send over some swag?"

"Hey, this ain't no frikkin' givin' tree!"

"DEAL WIT IT."

"Seriously man, green ain't your color. I'll send ya a new tux-shell. We got you, we got you." As if to prove it, Customer Service fainted.

Escargoon got a better look behind the man now that his view was unobstructed.

Unobstructed? How many words are we going to have to kill in this chapter? We're renaming that stuff... uh... renaming it... well, sconce is swag diggity, ajar is yolo... I guess unobstructed can be w00t. It works.

Anyway, Customer Service and a crap ton of monsters were dancing around like there was no tomorrow, and Miley Cyrus was swinging around on a huge wrecking ball. Customer Service hastily pressed the end call button, but he missed, instead turning on a laser light show. The lights were literally burning the dance floor. Apparently this was funny, because Customer Service laughed.

Now that I think about it, Customer Service is a boring name... Customer Swagice? Nah, let's stick with this gravy train.

"LADIES! WHO WANTS TO PRESS MY AWESOME BUTTON?" he shouted, pointing to the area smack between his feet.

He stripped thankfully facing backwards, and Escargoon ended the transmission himself. He shuddered. There was something vaguely ominous about that party. It was just... so wrong... but so _alive_. He'd never experienced anything quite so swaggy, especially not from afar.

Afar gets a free pass this time because we already fixed the word ajar. We can't get that stuff mixed up. Somewhere, I'm sure a dictionary is cheering, singing the praises of indiverse words. Hypocrite.

Escargoon turned the transmission on again. Customer Service, thankfully, was not in front of the monitor. Rather, he had joined Miley Cyrus on the wrecking ball, clothed again.

"I CAAAAAAME IN LIKE A WREEEEEECCCKKIN' BAAAAAAAAAAAALLLL..." they shouted.

Then, suddenly, the music changed in the backround. Some sort of... HELLACIOUSLY BEAUTIFUL music was coming through the speaker. Was it... could it be... YES!

It was GANGNAM STYLE!

Escargoon suddenly began twerking. He smiled as his luscious rump executed the difficult maneuver. If you didn't know, twerking can be a good aerobic workout. Not that it went with the song at all, but you have to give the snail props, because he has no swag.

The assorted monsters groaned, however. They were sick of the stupid song and it had stopped trending about a year ago. Apparently, DJ Nightmare hadn't received that memo. His horn shaped headphones were turned up to max volume as the emperor of darkness enjoyed his own brand of jamz. Escargoon joined from afar and continued twerking; so hellaciously that Miley Cyrus came up to the monitor camera to watch.

The wrecking ball fell down, smashing into a couple of monsters but nobody important. The laser lightshow stopped, because all of the power was used up on the speaker system.

The monsters pulled out some weed and started smoking. Wolfwrath was just getting high _seeing_ the fires, let alone smoking it, and he was having a legit swag fest. He was almost able to forget that Gangnam style was blasting.

"If I can still hear dat crap," said Customer Service, "then I ain't smoked enough."

* * *

Youngster Joey wasn't 100% sure what to do, but he'd rather be a swag master than a no-swag, bridge-and-tunnel fake hipster. so, he joined the swag train, sending out his five other Rattatas to do some cool and cray stuff. He had the four of them use Hyper Beams at the sky, making a tubular light show, and he had his top percentage Rattata bring out the ultimate w00t. Top Percent Rattata was busy busting a move. And he was totally kickin' butt with it.

Howver, Cheif Bookem chose exactly that moment to appear. Only Big Daddy knight was sober enough to notice.

"AW HELL NAW THE COPPAHS AIN'T TAKIN THIS THAAAAAANNGGGG..." What, I never said he was completely sober.

However, he caught people's attention, and everyone ran as far as they could. They outnumbered the Chief, but nobody was in their right mind anyway, so running just appeared to be the smartest option. Everyone ran as far as they could, except for Youngster Joey's top percentage Rattata.

"Use your FLAMETHROWER!" shouted Joey.

That particular rodent pulled said flamethrower out of the bushes and he began torching the cop. There was no time for lighter, less flashy artillery, this was a gosh-darn war.

Meta Knight recovered from his fall and he ran too, accidentally into the castle kitchen. Waddle Dee's, stoned with cooking wine, littered the floor. somehow a tray of Mexican food was laying on the counter, enough for three. Swag Knight and Big Daddy Knight happened to enter the same room just then.

"AW yisss..." he said, locking the door. "EAT DAT SPICYYYYY!" he said. Suddenly, the three of them began digging into the Mexican food.

There was... aw, you know by now. Chimichangas, fajitas... burritos, some co-co-cola... maybe a lil bit of go-go juice, come on, it's not that hard. Y'all better redneckonize. And by redneckonize, I mean, stop using drugs. Drugs are bad and you should avoid them.

And so, all the food was finished. Cheif Bookem left the castle with third degree burns and the party resumed, carrying on until night.

* * *

King DropTheBass had run into the dungeon, unfortunately, and he had locked himself in.

"Hell naw... I'm missin' all the swag..."

He began yelling for someone to get him outta there, not realizing that he had a hammer. He was not in his right mind either, the unfortunate after-effects of the party's goers secondhand drugs.

The swag level was down to zero.

* * *

Meta Knight was just sort of chilling, rubbing his stomach as the party went on. Big Daddy and Swag had gotten into a game of spin the bottle with Joey, Buttercup, Knuckle Joe, Knuckle Joe's butt, Top Percentage Rattata and six sheep. There was some intense jamz going on, because someone had found a set of speakers and a platform that could serve as a stage. Cappies were dancing so hard on that stuff that there was a veritable earthquake. Some of the weaker party goers were getting bad headaches and the crowd thinned slightly as everyone resorted to minimum swag hangover-esque board games. Apples to Apples was a favorite, and so was Sorry, but nothing compared to the intense battle of wits that was called Kirby Monopoly.

Oh, mah, GAWD that stuff was intense. Kirby had rejoined the party and was on one side, while the doped up Mayor Len and Gengu teamed up for a tag match.

They were so drunk, they were losing EVEN AGAINST KIRBY.

So, even though there wasn't as much swag or sweet l00t as there was earlier, the party was still going strong.

Gus had long given up on swinging on the the "swag-diggity" and he was busy dancing on the stage with some of the local ladies. Samo and Mabel were still upstairs in Swag Knight's room, oblivious to the scene around them as they let out their... uh, psychedelic side.

Honey and Spikehead were entering the party scene, seeing all the guys and gals just sort of dealing with the drugs coursing through their systems. The swag was at -9000.

So they did the most natural thing; they got up on stage, and started reenacting that one 80's movie... you know, the one where there's kung fu and shmexiness and meg YOLO. Yeah, that's it!

"HOLA MIS AMIGOS!" shouted Honey.

"I'M THE BACKPACK, B &#%!" shouted Spikehead.

People turned to watch the glory of Dora the Explorer. I really had you goin' with that 80's thaaaaanng...

"BOOTS WE NEED TO KICK THIS ! %^ INTO OVERDRIVE!" She went and hugged the boy with the ponytail. He blushed.

"MARRY ME!"

* * *

"Where is everyone?" Tiff said. I lied before when I said Escargoon was the world's least swaggy person. At least he tries, even though he fails.

Tiff just sort of sits around reading. Seriously, who just sits on their laptop and reads Fanfiction- I mean, who just sits under a tree and reads about marine biology? Bo-o-o-oring.

Seriously she has no swag. There is no YOLO, sweet l00t, delirious biznasty, or even one iota of swagnificence in that chick.

I have a feeling she would like to be that crying dictionary in another dimension, if she had the choice.

"The whole town is deserted... I guess the King and Escargoon probably did something. Maybe I should check the castle...?"

But she shuddered. That place almost perpetually smelled like drugs. She had, albeit misguided, faith in her Cappy community that they were smart and didn't take drugs.

She wondered where her family was. She looked up at the stars and sighed.

* * *

"HAAAAAAAAYYYY I've got snax!" shouted Kawasaki, finally making it up the hill and over to the castle. He was lugging a huge cart of swag behind him; so much swag it almost hurt to type it all out.

There was shrimp, sirloin, chicken nuggets, frikkin soup with baked potaters in it, a buncha fish, a load of mozzarella sticks, pizzas, cheese, bacon, raw icing, cookie dough, salad for the vegans because even herbivores can have swag, and to top it off, rice ballz.

That stuff was practically ROYAL. IT WAS THAT RICH.

So they all started to eat the swag. Except, of course, for the aformentioned royalty of the party, and his knights.

_Aforementioned?!_ AFOREMENTIONED!? That word is a crime against humanity. FRIKKIN HUMANITY. IT MUST BE REPLACED WITH BACON.

SUCK IT, INTER-DIMENSIONAL DICTIONARY!

* * *

So yeah, Meta Knight hurt. Like everywhere. He didn't know that spicy food was so apocalyptic for his stomach. He was perched over the toilet; it was all coming back to haunt him, and he was not lieking it any more than he lieked Mudkips.

He didn't even wanna know what was happening to poor Swag Knight in the ladies' room. She had had the worst of "dat spicyy" and it was not gonna be sitting pretty in her stomach. She would probably need serious medical attention, actually, considering how she had kind of... _eaten_ a bottle of cooking wine just to get some more alcohol. I tell ya, this whole addiction thaaanng is bad... Don't do drugs kids.

* * *

"HAY CUSTOMER SURVIZZ U GOTS MAH SHELL YIT?" Escargoon said, notoriously reverting to text grammar.

"FTW MAN I TOLD YA WEEEE STONED UP IN DIS JOINT!"

But the snail wasn't having it. "Y'all bettah send dat stuff ovah hither right now!"

Hither... it's... IT'S... WHY DID THE MIDDLE AGES HAVE TO GIVE BIRTH TO THAT ANTI-SWAG BEHEMOTH?! And why is Escargoon using that... that _thing..._ now of all times?

"I ain't sending you S ^%!" said Miley Cyrus. Up at Nightmare's headquarters, she was sick of partying, and she wanted to get back to being Hannah Montana. She was so sick of partying that she had reverted to just trying to use the transporter to Dreamland, and she was pissed that nobody was telling her how to get through.

That was probably a good thing. ONE twerking snail in Dreamland was more than enough.

"HAY GURRRRRRRLLL u gotz any weeeeeeed?" asked Customer Service. Earlier she had liked partying with the guy but his fake swag was getting on her nerves.

"GTFO I don't have any weed bro! JUS' GO PARTY WITH DAT GUY!"

"...There's a party in my bed, and you're invited..." came the quiet, previously unnoticed voice of Yamikage. He was fingering a kunai behind his back, laced with special poison.

* * *

"Oh, I can't do this anymore! I've gotta figure out what's going on in the castle! I can't handle being alone like this!" Tiff shouted. She began marching from the edge of Cappy Town back home to see what was happening. She knew that Yabui and Cheif Bookem were here but nobody else was in the village, not even Biblio or Kawasaki. She was extremely worried but hey, that's why she's not smooth and swaggy.

Chick needs to get laid. Maybe that'd loosen her feathers up.

Girls? I'm talking about birds! Like hens and roosters? Really? What did you think I was talking about?

No, I wasn't talking about the ducks. Get real.

* * *

So King DropTheBass was kind of feeling like dirt. He was stuck in the dungeons and everyone was busy partying. He had only one option left.

He sat down on the cold stone and he drew a star in the dirt, placing candles at each end. He knew that he was about to unleash something much more deadly than swag.

He was almost ready to begin the sacred chant.

"3...2...1..." he started.

He farted so badly that he was propelled upwards, through the door, and back into the castle. The equidistant flames from the candles had accelerated his pace even further and he was able to kick down a few bricks as he landed.

Wait... YOU SAID WHAT NOW?! YOU THOUGHT HE WAS SUMMONING THE DEVIL?! Whoa... that's not swaggy, guys, we don't talk about religion here. It's, liek, against Arceus.

* * *

"So Tiff got up to the castle, yeah, and she saw the party, and she was all, 'Be respurnserbel' and we was all, 'NAH' and she was all 'DRUGZ R BAD' and we was all 'SO WUT' so she was all 'TUBULAR' oh wait, no... She was all 'DON'T USE DRUGZ KIDZ' and then it was good because I had Rattata use the flamethrowerz and is that a new hat?"

Joe slapped the youngster in the face. "What you talkin' about?"

"Fight Club."

"AW c'mon man you know we ain't supposed to talk about dat!"

* * *

And the party went on... So the dictionary from another dimension kind of had all his hopes smashed... and it just occurred to me how this chapter goes completely against all of my real life principals except for the fact that drugs are bad, so I felt like saying it because speaking your mind is totally swag. Seriously I am never doing this kind of story again.

* * *

Day came. A rooster crowed... somewhere. Unfortunately, right at that very same moment, something really lacking in the swag department happened.

Swag Knight ran to the bathroom, upchucking everything from last night. She had a real nasty hangover. And for you kids who don't know, hangovers are bad headaches you get from partying too hard. So make sure you go to bed early tonight and get a good night's sleep, so you won't get a hangover.

What? Did you just say something about alcohol causing a hangover? That's totally wrong. You should never have had alcohol in the first place. It's a drug, and drugs are bad for you.

Big Daddy was getting wasted too, in the men's room, with the rest of the party goers. And for those of you who don't know... he was just "wasting" his very good college education, because he was smart and stayed in school and got a college education, like all smart kids and even most dumb kids should. So when you grow up make sure you get a college education and don't waste it by doing drugs. Because drugs do not equal swag.

They all learned a few very valuable lessons that day.

1 Call me maybe is a bad excuse for a pop song.

2 Twerking with Nightmare over the internet is a good aerobic workout, but it pisses of Miley Cyrus (who I hope never reads this)

3 Drugs are bad and you should not try them ever.

4 Hangovers are bad, so go to bed early.

5 Spicy food should not be mixed with drugs. Ever.

The end! NOW GO TO SLEEP.

Stay swagnificent.


End file.
